I can't find a reason to go to sleep. I have so many things I would like to get caught up on, both out of necessity and desire. I have so many thoughts chomping at the bit to be put into text, but I can't calm them enough to understand them all. Instead, I'm wasting time discovering some new music and looking down some possible roads for my dreams to follow.
Speaking of dreams.. Oh, am I ever stuck.. I'm a part of a band I'm truly proud of, yet I can't determine whether I really believe it has a future, or if I just blindly hope it does. I have numerous other avenues of music to explore, but I can't decide if it's even a dream worth following anymore. There are few things in my life I'm as passionate about as I am music. But I'm unsure if I have the time available or ability to devote as is necessary to make this dream come true. I have a family now that hardly sees me as it is, and my musical endeavors take more and more of that time away. Sure, it provides some personal happiness for me, but it takes away some happiness from them. I feel the decision between dreams and reality is ever closer, a choice between family and lofty hope.
Speaking of family.. Again, I waste time awake when I should be sleeping. And Ashley is waiting for my promise to come to bed to come through. If she's actually asleep, it is surely with reluctance, though I'm sure she's tossing and turning, if not fully awake and frustrated.
Speaking of frustration.. We're both growing incredibly frustrated with our daily monotony. I wake up, drive 45 minutes to go do something unfulfilling for anywhere from 8 to 11 hours, drive 45 minutes home, waste some time with tv, then go to sleep to prepare for exactly the same thing the next day. I do this 6 days a week. This leaves for a different, yet just as monotonous daily routine for Ashley as well. Utter boredom would be an improvement at this point.
Speaking of boredom.. I've run out of words.
that's a lot of speaking of's. =p
ReplyDeletei know things will change when emery gets older. i just don't want to become one of those parents who sets their life aside in the meantime. and you shouldn't have to either.
and if music is what your soul was set here to do - you don't have a choice. you'll never be fully happy unless you do. kind of like me and my writing.